Living the Dream is Not Always Dreamy
I first moved to Barcelona in the middle of June this year. With an exploding amount of enthusiasm for travel and a desire to leave my corporate photography job, I thought the idea of moving to Spain would be a dream. After arriving, I realize that it is beautiful and has all the markings of a living abroad fantasy, but that doesn’t mean it has been easy.
I will be transparent and say that I have cried… a lot.
And I have lost a lot of money in the process from unforeseen expenses like overweight baggage, a missed flight, and the cripplingly slow timeline of finding work in Barcelona. I have felt lonely and isolated without friends or family and my body has completely lost track of its normal cycles. My diet has changed, my hair has been falling out, I’ve developed allergies and skin conditions that I have never had before. It’s been rock bottom.
I want to make it work here and I want to prove to myself that I can do it, but I have to be honest and say that it is taking all of my willpower to not use my remaining money in my account and buy a ticket back to the states where I can seek some sort of normalcy and comfort. I don’t mean for this to be a complaint letter or a rant, just simply a journal entry of sorts to show others who may be considering a big move or have been in the same position themselves, the road is bumpy and wild. There is pressure from social media and societal talks that being an ‘ex-pat’ is a dream and it must be the most amazing experience of your life.
There are some days that I feel this way and a beautiful photograph will reflect how I feel on the inside. But there are also days when I have a hard time getting out of bed because I feel that I have no reason to. I don’t want to be misunderstood again when my accent isn’t perfect. I want to pay a bill without waiting three days for the funds to transfer and having a resulting late fee.
Sometimes I miss the ease of things at home; the ability to know where to look for a job or where to advertise a service, to speak the same language and be understood, and to call up a friend on a bad day and say let’s have a drink.
Even the most simple things become complicated in a new place. For example, it took me an entire month to realize that I could adjust the temperature in our shower. I thought the knobs functioned the same as they do at home and thought there just wasn’t much hot water. I was showering in cold water for a month! I felt like an idiot and this is just one example of the realizations that I have had here.
I feel so awfully guilty when I don’t feel happy. I should feel ecstatic and taking advantage of my privilege but the weight on my mind, body, and soul is heavy sometimes.
I have the utmost amount of empathy for people who are doing the same thing in the U.S. and who are just trying to make a life for themselves. It’s a challenge and when faced with roadblocks time and time again, it takes more strength than I imagined to get back up and keep going.
If you are going through this or know someone who is here are some tips I have found that have helped me to find some light:
Confide in a friend
Even if it feels silly. A simple phone call or a handwritten letter can be extremely healing. I got a letter from one of my friends the other day and it felt so good to see something from home, it immediately brought tears to my eyes.
Light a candle
Or find a ritual that resonates with you. My dear friend sent me this advice “The simple act of lighting a match, the symbolic nature of burning, is grand enough to be a ritual in the temple of your life. A place for you to burn away the day.” (from @words_of_women) I have found that a morning and nightly ritual helps me connect with myself and find a sliver of purpose.
Go for a walk
When my head starts spinning and I get overwhelmed with the anxiety I am feeling a walk around the neighborhood helps me calm down and also reminds me why I am here in the first place.
Dance to your favorite song
Or move in a way that makes you feel good. I personally enjoy putting on my dance playlist and dancing around like a weirdo for a few minutes so I can laugh at myself. I create new playlists every month that you can check out here.
Journal it out
I think putting pen to paper is one of the most cathartic ways to move past something. Plus its interesting to look back on later and remember your progress. Or if you are feeling bold, light the piece of paper on fire and really let it go.
